013 ∞ AUDIO

[designedtoparty]

[Nathan is curled up in bed, so his voice is slightly muffled by his covers.]

Okay, so is anyone else getting any more of those pains that were going on before we managed to get rid of those harpies? Or am I the lucky winner here? [He says 'we'. In reality he didn't do anything to help.]

Fuck. I think this actually feels worse than getting impaled to begin with.

[A pause and some creaking as Nathan shifts on his mattress.]

I think there's still bird shit in my bed. Those bastards better not have given me bird flu, or something.

Comments

audio ][

[adamantined]

For a few days.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Oh, come on! Like you've never done that.

audio ][

[adamantined]

Left bird poop in my bed? No, I've never done that.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Well, okay. Left some form of bodily fluid in your bed. It doesn't have to be bird shit.

audio ][

[adamantined]

There is a big difference between bird poop and anything else. That's disgusting, Nathan, even for you.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

I slept in it for two nights! That's nothing. And I turned everything over, so it's not like it was touching me.

audio ][

[adamantined]

I'm going to throw up. You could've just pulled your sheets off and slept on the mattress. I hope you've showered.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Yeah, but then I wouldn't have been warm enough. And don't worry, I showered yesterday.

audio ][

[adamantined]

I refuse to believe you're living in a place without a working washer and dryer. There are laundromats you could've gone to.

[Despite her disgust, it's honestly kind of amusing.]

Good luck getting girls to come back to your place now.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

We have a washing machine. I just have better things to be doing than washing bedding all day.

Like I need to get them back to my place. Credit me with at least a little creativity.

audio ][

[adamantined]

I'll credit you with something, but it's not going to be creativity. It would've taken you, like, two hours tops to wash your sheets. Now you're just going to forever be known as the boy who sleeps in poo.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

And you slam my creativity. That's not even technically accurate. At no point have I actually slept in poo.

audio ][

[adamantined]

Now you're just splitting hairs.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Hey, I'm just saying. It might be easier if you stuck with Nathan.

audio ][

[adamantined]

There's nothing suggesting the two can't be synonymous.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

I still think I prefer Nathan.

audio ][

[adamantined]

It's not a bad name.

You still sleep in poop, though.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Slept. Past tense. I already told you someone promised to clean it for me.

audio ][

[adamantined]

Who'd you bribe or blackmail into that task?

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

This girl. She gave me chocolate one time. Dawn, or something.

Anyway, I didn't have to bribe. Or blackmail. She offered.

audio ][

[adamantined]

Oh. [Her acknowledgment of this is bright, the equivalent of a light bulb blinking on.] Well you better pay her or give her a cookie or something.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Why?

audio ][

[adamantined]

I -

[Can't even believe I'm being asked this question.]

Karma. Think of your karma.

audio ][

[designedtoparty]

Look, she offered.

Volunteers don't expect anything.

audio ][

[adamantined]

There's a difference between volunteering at a soup kitchen and cleaning up someone's dirty sheets. It's not like you're in the hospital where that kind of thing is acceptable.