Me? I was done for eating some pick'n'mix.

[Here is Nathan, sporting a very expensive looking suit (stolen by someone who wasn't him, thank you very much) and looking extremely worked up about something.]

Hey! Hey, cop fellers. Since you're always so keen to get on my back over nothing, I thought you might like to deal with some real crime for a change. I know you were too wrapped up with other, no doubt more important stuff to bother the last time I got murdered, but maybe this time you could try doing your jobs for a change.

So I got stabbed, right? I don't know what I got stabbed with, mind. It might have been sword, or something. I'm kind of fuzzy here, so it's hard to say for sure.

Anyway, that bit's all fine. Not that I want people to kill me, but stabbing's fairly tame. Only this guy must've been completely insane. I woke up, and my clothes were just gone. He'd put me in this thing instead. [He tugs at the lapels of his suit jacket here, then continues with his rant.] And he had the indecency to dump a load of newspaper over my head and leaving me lying around outside.

I don't want to start throwing around accusations, or anything, but I reckon this guy must've violated me while I was out. He's probably out there right now, rubbing his dick all over my t-shirt and getting off on his memories of skull fucking me.

He left chewing gum in my pockets, for God's sake. If that isn't a sign of guilt, I don't know what is.

[Nathan is standing with his arms outstretched, his right arm with five ravens perched on it, and four crows on his left. His left shoulder is occupied by a blue and gold macaw. Despite being covered in a fair amount of bird poo (his navy hoodie may not have been his best choice today), he looks pretty pleased.]

Hey, Captain Birdseye. Say cunt.

[The macaw, Captain Birdseye, just whistles at him, much to Nathan's disappointment.]

No, cunt. C'mon, man. Say it with me. Cunt!

[This time he gets a screech and a click. Which still doesn't impress him. He frowns, starting to get a bit irritated.]

Cunt.

[Click. Nathan glares at him, sulkily.] Fine. Don't say it. [Side eye, then he mutters under his breath.] Twat.

[Screeeeeeeeeeeech.] Wanker. [Click, click, click. And then he's cleaning his feathers.]

What the fuck?! Where'd you get wanker from? I gave up on teaching you that one ages ago.

[Birdseye ignores him in favour of cleaning. Nathan pouts, arms drooping a little.] How long is this going to last for? My arms hurt.

[If you want action, Nathan is around the city, charging at random people with his bird flock.]