designedtoparty | 001 ∞ VIDEO

[The video opens with a bewildered looking youth in a grubby, orange jumpsuit holding the camera at arms length. When he speaks, the Irish accent quickly becomes apparent.]

Okay, first off I'd like to thank whoever conveniently decided to leave me with some form of communication, even if it is utterly useless for getting in touch with people I actually care about.

Second? A big fuck you to whoever's fault it is that I appear to be stuck here. I mean, come on! What the fuck!? Clearly I'm not dead, because hello? Immortal. So, what could possibly be going on here?

[At that he drops the confused look, rolling his eyes and looking annoyed instead.]

Oh, wait. Of course! It's something to do with the storm. Which is just a shocker, I know. It's not like that happens every week, or anything.

[A beat. Just waiting for that sarcasm to sink in, then...]

Ohhhhhh, no, sorry. It does. So, I know exactly what's going on here. It's someone's fucked up idea of a super power. Which means you're either a beautiful, barely legal girl, planning on doing something horrible to me, or...

[Nathan gasps, eyes widening with 'realisation'.]

You!

You're the probation worker. You sick bastard! I thought I could trust you. For once, I thought we had a probation worker we could trust. To guide us, to reform us, to refrain from trying to brutally murder us...

Instead you're pulling me into your sick, perverted fantasies, so you can have your filthy way with me.

[Throwing a dramatic arm over his face, Nathan lets out a loud, false sob.]

Be gentle with me. No one's ever taken me that way before.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[... long pause. Where do you even begin.]

You're a very dramatic sort, aren't you. First time I've ever heard someone call the deities beautiful, barely legal girls.

No one wants to have their filthy way with yeh, boyo.

I've never met them. I don't know. [His voice drops, taking on a more interested tone.] So, these deities...

Do any of them happen to meet two out of three of the requirements?

Of course they do. Look at me.

Why wouldn't you want to have your filthy way with this?

[He makes a seductive face, motioning a hand down his body.]

Edited 2011-01-30 21:21 (UTC)

And those requirements would be what, exactly? In case you haven't noticed, you went on a bit of a rant, there.

[There is a pause here. A very long pause]

Are yeh really immortal or are yeh takin' the piss?

You just listed the requirements! You know... Beautiful. Barely legal. Female.

That last one's the most important one, in case it wasn't obvious enough for you.

Oh, Merlin's beard.

[Except she sounds more amused than anything else.]

Yeah, sure, some of them are female, I reckon. I haven't heard of anyone fancying a deity, but there's a first time for everything. And you sound mad enough.

[Nathan's just going to take that pause as confirmation of what he's said.]

Oh, come on. Why would I take the piss about something like that? That's just asking for trouble.

A bit random, innit?

What are yeh? Other than vaguely midlands.

Who said anything about fancying them? I'm just interested in the shagging.

What, immortality?

Port Laoise. I've been back in England a long time, though.

I wonder if they'd try to curse your bits off for that.

To bring it up.

Why?

Oh, come on! Why would they curse my bits off? If no one fancies them, they're probably starved for sex.

I don't even know if they do that and personally, I'm not all that inclined to ask.

Hey, I have no idea where I am. Or how I got here. Still! If I wasn't immortal, being dead would be first on the list of explanations for the fuck is going on.

My mum moved. I wasn't just going to stay in Ireland. Who else would've done my laundry? Anyway, I was too young.

Well, I for one am not about to deprive them of the opportunity.

Yeh're in the City.

Also she's not here to do yehr laundry, are yeh fucked?

Ohhhh, right. Well, that's very helpful. Thank you. [Sarcasm: Nathan has it.]

I don't know. That depends. Would you do my laundry?

It's the truth.

I draw the line at feedin' strangers, thanks.

Right. Well, would it be possible to give me the name of this city?

I never said anything about feeding! Although that would be helpful, too, now you mention it.

Good luck with that, then. I'm sure you'll let the whole City know how that turns out, you seem like the type of bloke that will.

[Pause.]

You're not at all bothered by the deity thing, are you? I mean, you're obviously new, so.

That's what the name is. The City.

I'm makin' boxty. Will yeh eat it?

Oh, I will. Right down to the last gruesome detail.

Not at all. I mean, I practically am one, so...

[A pause, then he snorts.] They're probably just some jumped up twats with a super power, anyway. What are the chances that they're real deities?

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