designedtoparty | 001 ∞ VIDEO

[The video opens with a bewildered looking youth in a grubby, orange jumpsuit holding the camera at arms length. When he speaks, the Irish accent quickly becomes apparent.]

Okay, first off I'd like to thank whoever conveniently decided to leave me with some form of communication, even if it is utterly useless for getting in touch with people I actually care about.

Second? A big fuck you to whoever's fault it is that I appear to be stuck here. I mean, come on! What the fuck!? Clearly I'm not dead, because hello? Immortal. So, what could possibly be going on here?

[At that he drops the confused look, rolling his eyes and looking annoyed instead.]

Oh, wait. Of course! It's something to do with the storm. Which is just a shocker, I know. It's not like that happens every week, or anything.

[A beat. Just waiting for that sarcasm to sink in, then...]

Ohhhhhh, no, sorry. It does. So, I know exactly what's going on here. It's someone's fucked up idea of a super power. Which means you're either a beautiful, barely legal girl, planning on doing something horrible to me, or...

[Nathan gasps, eyes widening with 'realisation'.]

You!

You're the probation worker. You sick bastard! I thought I could trust you. For once, I thought we had a probation worker we could trust. To guide us, to reform us, to refrain from trying to brutally murder us...

Instead you're pulling me into your sick, perverted fantasies, so you can have your filthy way with me.

[Throwing a dramatic arm over his face, Nathan lets out a loud, false sob.]

Be gentle with me. No one's ever taken me that way before.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[That would be part of the reason she wants to help you, Nathan. Woe.]

Eventually someone else would have offered yeh somethin'.

Seriously? Now there's a country I'm glad I didn't grow up in...

Where the fuck's Salaria meant to be, anyway?

Who said anything about keeping them there?

Salarian. Not Salaria. As in my species.

Word gets around. Negative attention.

[It's a decision you may come to regret, Eden. :(] No one has so far.

Anyway, where else am I going to find someone to cook boxty for me? Or anything, for that matter. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've eaten a proper, cooked meal?

No, no, no... Let me give you a little language tip there, buddy. 'Species' would be like if you were a rabbit, or something. The word you're look for would be 'race.'

That doesn't make a difference. Trust me. Sometimes a girl's just got an itch, and if I'm the one around to scratch it... she lets me scratch it good.

No. Using correct term. Would know considering trained in xenobiology for medical degree. Am Salarian, not human.

...and not everyone is looking to have that itch scratched. Especially with potential of disease. Want responsible partners.

A... Salarian. What's that supposed to be?

Maybe I'm not making myself clear... I don't care about those girls. I care about the ones who do want it. And the occasional girly boys who have got me drunk enough to let them give me a blow job.

Salarian? Similar to amphibians in concept, though still "humanoid". Shorter lifespan than humans. Good memory. Quick thinking capabilities.

Give it a couple of years. When instincts for definite companionship and need for spawn come around. Base desires change.

Soooo, basically you're like a smart frog?

Years? Try a couple decades, mate. I'm going to be investing in condoms for a good long while yet.

No. The Drell are closer to frogs. But still. Not human. Alien.

All the good mates are probably going to be gone by then. And possibly your chief attributes which you use to attract them with. Time isn't pretty to any species.

I don't know what a Drell is, either. Sorry, mate, but I'm really not up to speed on this sci-fi bullshit.

Clearly you're still lacking an understanding of basic human culture. By then only the best girls will be left. And lucky for me, my looks will still mostly be in tact. My dad might be a useless prick, but at least I know I'll still have hair when I'm old. I mean, I'll have to dye it, but at least I won't be bald.

Not bullshit. We already exist. Your species will reach the galactic level soon.

No, have an understanding of human culture. May not understand it at times but still. Severely doubt best girls will be left by then. The most desirable mates are generally taken out of the population first.

[Everything that Campbell doesn't immediately understand gets tossed to the side, along with everything he sees as something unimportant, and he makes his own conclusions, leading to:]

Are you a superhero!?!?

[Pretty much the only one of his ASBO gang who actually wants to be a hero is Barry. But Nathan waits before quashing that theory right off the bat. He doesn't miss the enthusiasm in his tone. There may even be some admiration in there somewhere...

So, as if it's obvious:]

Of course I'm a superhero. They don't hand out powers to just anyone.

That's brilliant! Who's "they"? And is it just immortality or are there other things?

Oh, right. And how exactly do you know this? I suppose you can see the future, too, can you?

You obviously don't. You know what happens to the best girls who marry themselves off early? They realise what a cunt their husband is and leave them. Which leaves them, along with the ones who were smart enough not to throw their lives away before they hit the big three-oh, to guys like me.

No. Back home it is currently 2185 CE Earth Standard.

Forgetting that their former husbands may have changed their opinions in some way. That or they've sworn men off entirely.

Uhhhhh... [That's a good point. Who is "they"?] The government! Yeah, that's right... the government.

They have a special branch dedicated to scouting out potential super heroes. They have loads of different powers they give out to people, but immortality's the best.

...I'm not even sure what you're saying. '2185 CE Earth Standard'? What is that?

Sorry, but do you really think you get this better than I do? I lived through this shit, man. I understand it. Completely. I don't need you to explain it to me, okay?

Edited 2011-01-31 01:42 (UTC)

Well, I don't see why...not unless you're trained wi' weapons or hand t' hand combat as well. How'd you end up getting chosen?

Okay. Is currently 2011 here in the City. Am personally from the year 2185. Better?

Sorry. Am a doctor. See a lot of things.

Dunno. Yeh're pretty thin, so I'd say a bit.

If I told you, then I'd have to kill you...

[Whiiiiich is his way of getting out of answering the question.]

I'm naturally skinny! If you're hoping to fatten me up, I think you'll be disappointed. But you're right, it has been a while.

[A pause]

Do yeh want to get fat?

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