designedtoparty | 001 ∞ VIDEO

[The video opens with a bewildered looking youth in a grubby, orange jumpsuit holding the camera at arms length. When he speaks, the Irish accent quickly becomes apparent.]

Okay, first off I'd like to thank whoever conveniently decided to leave me with some form of communication, even if it is utterly useless for getting in touch with people I actually care about.

Second? A big fuck you to whoever's fault it is that I appear to be stuck here. I mean, come on! What the fuck!? Clearly I'm not dead, because hello? Immortal. So, what could possibly be going on here?

[At that he drops the confused look, rolling his eyes and looking annoyed instead.]

Oh, wait. Of course! It's something to do with the storm. Which is just a shocker, I know. It's not like that happens every week, or anything.

[A beat. Just waiting for that sarcasm to sink in, then...]

Ohhhhhh, no, sorry. It does. So, I know exactly what's going on here. It's someone's fucked up idea of a super power. Which means you're either a beautiful, barely legal girl, planning on doing something horrible to me, or...

[Nathan gasps, eyes widening with 'realisation'.]

You!

You're the probation worker. You sick bastard! I thought I could trust you. For once, I thought we had a probation worker we could trust. To guide us, to reform us, to refrain from trying to brutally murder us...

Instead you're pulling me into your sick, perverted fantasies, so you can have your filthy way with me.

[Throwing a dramatic arm over his face, Nathan lets out a loud, false sob.]

Be gentle with me. No one's ever taken me that way before.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

That's brilliant! Who's "they"? And is it just immortality or are there other things?

Uhhhhh... [That's a good point. Who is "they"?] The government! Yeah, that's right... the government.

They have a special branch dedicated to scouting out potential super heroes. They have loads of different powers they give out to people, but immortality's the best.

Well, I don't see why...not unless you're trained wi' weapons or hand t' hand combat as well. How'd you end up getting chosen?

If I told you, then I'd have to kill you...

[Whiiiiich is his way of getting out of answering the question.]

How?

Why would I tell you how I'm going to kill you? You'd be able to get away!

If you were a proper superhero I wouldnae.

Are you questioning my integrity? Do you really think that I, a superhero, would lie to you?

Aye! Superheroes lie all the time. All of them do, actually, cos of secret identities but loads of other things too. What they were doin' places, where they've been all night, reasons for being late t' things... I mean, what d'you need reforming for? [Oh. He did pick up on that.] I have t' doubt your integrity if y' start off talkin' about being reformed. Folk with integrity don't need t' be reformed.

What, so I can't have integrity and a criminal record, now? I'll have you know I find that to be a very hurtful comment.

Well, it's no LIKELY. What sort of crimes were you committing wi' integrity?

Well, okay. So, maybe it wasn't with complete integrity. But you can't honestly tell me you've never eaten a handful of pick 'n' mix without paying before. Everyone does it!

You got arrested for that? Is that another one a your superpowers?

What? No! The police are just a bunch of retards where I come from. That's why we need superheroes.

Would it no make more sense for the government t' just hire new policemen instead a goin' t' the trouble of creating superheroes? I mean, less cool, but the government isnae about being cool.

Maybe not where you come from.

And why don't they just bin the police, then? If they've got superheroes and they're about being cool?

[Fffff. Stop questioning him, Campbell. COMING UP WITH EVERYTHING ON THE SPOT ISN'T EASY, YOU KNOW.]

How am I supposed to know? I'm a superhero, not a politician!

[You're interesting, Nathan, and you've provided him with entertainment and that's all he really cares about.]

Aye, alright. D'you have a superhero name?

[Pause. Fuck. Why didn't he think of one sooner? He could totally have a superhero name, couldn't he? He's just going to snap his fingers for a bit until he thinks of something cool.]

Captain Invincible!

Cool. Do y' have a costume when you're not in a prison uniform? What about your actual name? I'm Campbell. I'd tell you about the City only everyone already probably has and I think it's best t' work it all out yourself, anyway. Better than the Guide. Any of the Guides.

[Snort.] No. I'd look like a right twat. I'm Nathan. I did have a quick look through the guide, but then it got boring.

It doesnae have t' be brightly coloured and spandex. And aye, I skimmed it. It's easier just waiting for folk t' tell you things. Or assuming your own things. Or just finding out things. There's a zoo with dinosaurs in it, y' know. And a unicorn, only I hear it went rogue and escaped and gored a buncha people.

It doesn't have to be anything. I'd rather just where my own clothes.

There's a zoo with dinosaurs in it? And a rampaging unicorn? That is brilliant. Have you been there?

Aye! It was one a the first places I went! There's a map on your device if you click on enough things.

audio;

designedtoparty - 2011-02-04 01:15 (UTC) - Expand

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