designedtoparty | 001 ∞ VIDEO

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001 ∞ VIDEO

[The video opens with a bewildered looking youth in a grubby, orange jumpsuit holding the camera at arms length. When he speaks, the Irish accent quickly becomes apparent.]

Okay, first off I'd like to thank whoever conveniently decided to leave me with some form of communication, even if it is utterly useless for getting in touch with people I actually care about.

Second? A big fuck you to whoever's fault it is that I appear to be stuck here. I mean, come on! What the fuck!? Clearly I'm not dead, because hello? Immortal. So, what could possibly be going on here?

[At that he drops the confused look, rolling his eyes and looking annoyed instead.]

Oh, wait. Of course! It's something to do with the storm. Which is just a shocker, I know. It's not like that happens every week, or anything.

[A beat. Just waiting for that sarcasm to sink in, then...]

Ohhhhhh, no, sorry. It does. So, I know exactly what's going on here. It's someone's fucked up idea of a super power. Which means you're either a beautiful, barely legal girl, planning on doing something horrible to me, or...

[Nathan gasps, eyes widening with 'realisation'.]

You!

You're the probation worker. You sick bastard! I thought I could trust you. For once, I thought we had a probation worker we could trust. To guide us, to reform us, to refrain from trying to brutally murder us...

Instead you're pulling me into your sick, perverted fantasies, so you can have your filthy way with me.

[Throwing a dramatic arm over his face, Nathan lets out a loud, false sob.]

Be gentle with me. No one's ever taken me that way before.

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Well, the ladies do love a foreign man. I guess you've got that going for you, if nothing else.

No way. I am not becoming a woman. Ever. And I fully intend to remain sexually active for as long as I remain here. For the sake of its poor, underprivileged women, who have to deal with men taking chastity vows, of all things.

Not interested in "ladies" as you put it.

Huh. Expecting you to be very chaste come the next chaotic day of curses. Although question how you'll attract a mate at this point with that type of attitude on a normal basis.

Ohhhh, I see. Don't worry, man. I'm sure some of those gays are into accents, too. Believe me, I've met a few.

Question? Come on, man. You saw my video. I'm beautiful. Why wouldn't you?

Let me rephrase. Not interesting in relationships at all. Salarians have no concept of romantic or sexual love. Procreation is all that tends to matter.

Looks are one thing. Personality another. Looks may attract, but personality keeps them there.

Seriously? Now there's a country I'm glad I didn't grow up in...

Where the fuck's Salaria meant to be, anyway?

Who said anything about keeping them there?

Salarian. Not Salaria. As in my species.

Word gets around. Negative attention.

No, no, no... Let me give you a little language tip there, buddy. 'Species' would be like if you were a rabbit, or something. The word you're look for would be 'race.'

That doesn't make a difference. Trust me. Sometimes a girl's just got an itch, and if I'm the one around to scratch it... she lets me scratch it good.

No. Using correct term. Would know considering trained in xenobiology for medical degree. Am Salarian, not human.

...and not everyone is looking to have that itch scratched. Especially with potential of disease. Want responsible partners.

A... Salarian. What's that supposed to be?

Maybe I'm not making myself clear... I don't care about those girls. I care about the ones who do want it. And the occasional girly boys who have got me drunk enough to let them give me a blow job.

Salarian? Similar to amphibians in concept, though still "humanoid". Shorter lifespan than humans. Good memory. Quick thinking capabilities.

Give it a couple of years. When instincts for definite companionship and need for spawn come around. Base desires change.

Soooo, basically you're like a smart frog?

Years? Try a couple decades, mate. I'm going to be investing in condoms for a good long while yet.

No. The Drell are closer to frogs. But still. Not human. Alien.

All the good mates are probably going to be gone by then. And possibly your chief attributes which you use to attract them with. Time isn't pretty to any species.

I don't know what a Drell is, either. Sorry, mate, but I'm really not up to speed on this sci-fi bullshit.

Clearly you're still lacking an understanding of basic human culture. By then only the best girls will be left. And lucky for me, my looks will still mostly be in tact. My dad might be a useless prick, but at least I know I'll still have hair when I'm old. I mean, I'll have to dye it, but at least I won't be bald.

Not bullshit. We already exist. Your species will reach the galactic level soon.

No, have an understanding of human culture. May not understand it at times but still. Severely doubt best girls will be left by then. The most desirable mates are generally taken out of the population first.

Oh, right. And how exactly do you know this? I suppose you can see the future, too, can you?

You obviously don't. You know what happens to the best girls who marry themselves off early? They realise what a cunt their husband is and leave them. Which leaves them, along with the ones who were smart enough not to throw their lives away before they hit the big three-oh, to guys like me.

No. Back home it is currently 2185 CE Earth Standard.

Forgetting that their former husbands may have changed their opinions in some way. That or they've sworn men off entirely.

...I'm not even sure what you're saying. '2185 CE Earth Standard'? What is that?

Sorry, but do you really think you get this better than I do? I lived through this shit, man. I understand it. Completely. I don't need you to explain it to me, okay?

Edited 2011-01-31 01:42 (UTC)

Okay. Is currently 2011 here in the City. Am personally from the year 2185. Better?

Sorry. Am a doctor. See a lot of things.

Not really. Last I checked, we were still in 2010.

And I am a man. A human man. I rest my case. [What case, Nathan?]

Not everyone here in the City is from the same time. The same place. The City's calendars put it in 2011.

You're point? Don't see how it correlates with what we were talking about.

Why would they take people from different times? That's ridiculous.

Because I know what it's like through experience. It's kind of like if I started claiming to understand the plights of a Neanderthal.

Did I mention some people can use magic here? It's not so ridiculous. Especially with your claim of super powers.

Claim whatever you want. Seen many things in my years as a doctor. Just trying to give you good advice.

Hey! Super powers are a lot more realistic than magic. I mean, come on. Who even buys into that shit?

Yeah? Well, I don't need your advice. I'm fine on my own.

Both are equally unlikely to my point. But then again one would think that Cthulu-like Machines who think they are lord and god over the galaxy don't exist. Considering I've seen magic and super powers here, can say with complete certainty that it exists.