designedtoparty | 015 ∞ VIDEO

[Here is Nathan, sporting a very expensive looking suit (stolen by someone who wasn't him, thank you very much) and looking extremely worked up about something.]

Hey! Hey, cop fellers. Since you're always so keen to get on my back over nothing, I thought you might like to deal with some real crime for a change. I know you were too wrapped up with other, no doubt more important stuff to bother the last time I got murdered, but maybe this time you could try doing your jobs for a change.

So I got stabbed, right? I don't know what I got stabbed with, mind. It might have been sword, or something. I'm kind of fuzzy here, so it's hard to say for sure.

Anyway, that bit's all fine. Not that I want people to kill me, but stabbing's fairly tame. Only this guy must've been completely insane. I woke up, and my clothes were just gone. He'd put me in this thing instead. [He tugs at the lapels of his suit jacket here, then continues with his rant.] And he had the indecency to dump a load of newspaper over my head and leaving me lying around outside.

I don't want to start throwing around accusations, or anything, but I reckon this guy must've violated me while I was out. He's probably out there right now, rubbing his dick all over my t-shirt and getting off on his memories of skull fucking me.

He left chewing gum in my pockets, for God's sake. If that isn't a sign of guilt, I don't know what is.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Could you be more specific?

Serial killer late.

I don't know. It was probably after eleven.

Try establishing a time window. After eleven, before what time?

One, maybe?

And, you know, it could've been before eleven. I really have no idea.

[This is the professionally suppressed and imperceptible bastard son of a sigh and an eyeroll.] How about the scene of crime.

I was going for a piss. I really needed the toilet.

That's not quite what I was asking for.

What, do you think I'm stupid? I know what you were asking for.

Now all you need to do is take urine samples from alleys until you find one that matches up to mine. I've made it very easy for you.

Is this your idea of a joke?

If I was joking, I think I'd have come up with something a little more original.

And if you were serious, you would be a little more forthcoming with information.

I am serious! I told you everything.

[Sorry, Nathan, but this doesn't get more of a reply than a cold stare.]

See, this is why I hate the police.

If I started waving my dick around over this thing, you'd have me in a cell before I could so much as say "suck my balls". But as soon as I report anything serious, you won't believe a word I say.

If you're really interested in reporting anything serious and seriously, you might want to consider your methods.

We're willing to listen if you're willing to give us actual, useful information.

I'm trying. What exactly is it about what I'm saying that makes it so hard for you to believe?

Do you honestly expect us to take urine samples of every single alley in the City until we find one with your urine in it? Do the words "limited time and resources" mean anything to you?

Look, I'm sorry I wasn't planning on getting murdered. Next time I'll be sure to plan ahead so I can give you notes on everything.

Just forget it, okay? I'll let you get back to catching graffiti artists and rescuing cats from trees.

You could at the very least tell us where you've woken up, but if that's already too much too ask, I don't think you're serious about this after all.

You don't think I'm serious anyway. I woke up in the Square. I definitely didn't die there, so I don't know how you think that's going to help you.

On the plus side, I did come up with a name you can use in your investigation. [By which he means Dulcie did.] What do you think of the Menswear Murderer?

Do you have anything for us to work with?

Menswear Murderer is catchy, at least.

I've told you everything I know. I don't see what your problem is.

My problem is that there's not enough information to even base an investigation on.

You can come in and file a report, though. Maybe you'll remember something at a later time.

That's all I have. Jesus.

What will you do if I don't file a report? All I'm going to say are the same things I already told you.

There isn't really anything we can do.

(no subject)

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