Me? I was done for eating some pick'n'mix.

[You could probably guess Nathan would post for this. You can probably also guess what he's been doing... if you can't, the soiled boxers he's wiping his hands on should be a good clue. Luckily, he's dressed. Even if he hasn't bothered doing his fly back up yet.]

I'm starting to think the deities are lightening up a bit. These curses just get better and better. [Never mind that the kissing curse turned out to be terrible. That's irrelevant by now.]

Hey, did anyone see the one with that double jointed chick? I've been trying to find a girl who can do that with her legs for years.

[And because I couldn't let this go by without some form of trauma... little does Nathan know his post is spamming people with girl-on-girl old lady porn. Just what everyone wanted to see. Some jokes never stop being old to me. :(b]

Okay, so some of you appear to be having money trouble. That's okay. Nothing wrong with that. But there are ways to deal with it. Helpful ways that don't include, say... selling your flatmates. I was homeless for a few months myself, so I know the tricks of the trade. And you know what? I'm happy to share.

Rule 1: Never spend money unless you have to. You're at a bar? Find someone else who'll buy you a drink. Why should you have to pay when you don't have any cash? Your friend's already smoking? Get them to hand it over. It's supposed to be a social habit. Shoplifting's fairly easy, but you have to keep your eyes open if you don't want to get caught. It's best to avoid it if you can.

[Nathan turns to pat the vending machine he's standing next to.] You want food? This is your best bet. Yes, okay, this is a drinks machine, but it's the same principle. And honestly, if you have to put in money, you want to save it for the food machine. Things like Polos'll sometimes drop multiples.

Now... [He pauses, adopting a look of concentration as he strokes the machine.] The thing you have to remember is a vending machine is a lot like a woman. You hit the right spot... [Here he abruptly draws back, falling back on the vending machine with a full on body slam.] ...she'll give you anything you ask for.

C'mon, baby. [The next ten minutes or so are filled with Nathan attacking the vending with various puches, kicks, slams and overly sexual noises. Finally, there's a clatter and Nathan bends to retrieve the fallen can. He holds it up to the camera, triumphant, panting and grinning broadly.]

And that, ladies and gents, is how you rob a vending machine. You want anymore than that, I'm charging. Hope you can still afford it.

Hey. Guy who wanted to shoot me. You want the money I'd have had to spend on that?

[Grubby and cobwebby, Nathan is slouched on his bed, smoking a joint. He's definitely not feeling his usual self, looking a bit more withdrawn than he would normally.]

So, I think I died last night. Either that, or someone slipped me some really bad acid. [He stops and groans there, squeezing his eyes shut and dragging a hand down his face.] I don't know. I'm kind of fuzzy on the details.

On the plus side, immortal. So, I don't have to worry about that zombie shit the rest of you lot have going. Down side... actually, I don't think there is a down side to dying, in this case. I mean, it's that or I got raped by some big, beefy bloke while having the worst trip of my life. [Pauses, looking mildly disgusted as he pictures that.] Yeah... let's not go there.

[He waves a dismissive hand at the camera.]

Anyway, I have this letter... bill... thing. Just so you know, I didn't buy anything, so you can forget about me paying it. Thanks.

[He takes one last, long drag off the joint, then pushes himself forward to stub the end out and turn off the camera.]

[Nathan is leaned up a wall outside a bar, smoking and looking rather irritated. No, he is not wearing green. Which may explain the irritation.]

Okay, so some of you aren't from around here. And by 'here', I do mean worlds where you may find Ireland. I get that! I do. So, for the record? The phrase is 'kiss me, I'm Irish'. So, stop fucking pinching me. All right?

And if you are going to pinch me, at least have the decency to go for the arse.

[Nathan pauses to sniff and pout.]

Today of all days, I should be swimming in Guinness and blow jobs. Not dealing with this!

Jesus...

[Hello, City. Today you are being treated to a lovely view of a scrawny, still kind of malnourished Nathan in nothing but his briefs. Should you be pleased? Well, he certainly seems to think so.]

Deities! Or anyone else who knows their way around a washing machine. I have an irresistible offer for you to take me up on.

Since my flatmate refuses to do my laundry for me, I've been left with no choice but to resort to other means.

What are these other means, you might ask. To which I respond, this. [Nathan trails his hands sloooowwwwwwwly down his torso, hands coming to a rest just above his crotch.]

That's right. In exchange for washing my clothes, I offer you my body, to do with as you wish. This will be an ongoing agreement, naturally. Unless your services aren't up to my standards, in which case I reserve the right to put a stop to any agreement we might have.