designedtoparty | 015 ∞ VIDEO

[Here is Nathan, sporting a very expensive looking suit (stolen by someone who wasn't him, thank you very much) and looking extremely worked up about something.]

Hey! Hey, cop fellers. Since you're always so keen to get on my back over nothing, I thought you might like to deal with some real crime for a change. I know you were too wrapped up with other, no doubt more important stuff to bother the last time I got murdered, but maybe this time you could try doing your jobs for a change.

So I got stabbed, right? I don't know what I got stabbed with, mind. It might have been sword, or something. I'm kind of fuzzy here, so it's hard to say for sure.

Anyway, that bit's all fine. Not that I want people to kill me, but stabbing's fairly tame. Only this guy must've been completely insane. I woke up, and my clothes were just gone. He'd put me in this thing instead. [He tugs at the lapels of his suit jacket here, then continues with his rant.] And he had the indecency to dump a load of newspaper over my head and leaving me lying around outside.

I don't want to start throwing around accusations, or anything, but I reckon this guy must've violated me while I was out. He's probably out there right now, rubbing his dick all over my t-shirt and getting off on his memories of skull fucking me.

He left chewing gum in my pockets, for God's sake. If that isn't a sign of guilt, I don't know what is.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

What do you remember? They really aren't going to do anything about it?

I got stabbed by some maniac with a sword. He was like a cannibal, or something. They didn't exactly say they wouldn't do anything, but they kept saying shit about me 'not being forthcoming with information'.

Yeah, that's a great image to for the police force to promote.

Are you sure it was a sword? It wasn't a spear, was it?

I think I might have noticed if he was holding a spear.

Not if it was a shot in the dark, literally.

Is there anything specific you remember about the guy who did this? Any details or anything?

He was weird and creepy and he wore a robe. That detailed enough for you?

Weird and creepy aren't really that descriptive, but the robe thing is probably a good start.

Any real idea why this could've happened? Why he might've done it?

Does there have to be a reason? Maybe he's just a murdering psychopath.

There doesn't have to be, no. But having one might be helpful. Haven't you ever watched a crime show before?

Are you okay?

Okay, so he may have been making a big deal about not being able to eat his noodles. But unless they made CSI: Nutjob along with all those other ridiculous spin-offs, I don't think that's much of a motive.

Apart from no one important wanting to take me seriously? I'm doing fine.

I'm pretty sure half of those CSI shows are CSI: Nutjob. They're just hiding under city names. If someone made CSI: City, that's basically what it would be.

And now I'm wondering why no one here has produced television shows like they would if we were back at home.

You died, Nathan. Again. It might not be that big of a deal for people like us or even in a place like this, but when you're someone who's looking in from the outside, it seems important to check up.

Why would you lie about it? You're insensitive, but I don't think you're that insensitive.

I should do that! Only with films. Series would probably get boring. I could be like Eddie Murphy, only whiter and not American. And hopefully without the crap parts.

Why don't you ask them that? They're the ones who seem to be convinced I'm making it up.

Why Eddie Murphy?

I don't think you're making it up.

I like Eddie Murphy. And I'm kind of limited in my knowledge of celebrities who write, act AND direct stuff.

Well, that's good too know. Too bad you aren't the one being paid to look into it.

If you had to worry about all that stuff, you'd end up with a few Nutty Professors, too.

Not having a badge pinned to my chest doesn't mean that I can't look into it.

I'll take it in turns, then. Or maybe just stick to acting.

You'd do that?

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adamantined - 2011-05-22 17:32 (UTC) - Expand

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