016 ∞ VIDEO

[designedtoparty]

Okay, so some of you appear to be having money trouble. That's okay. Nothing wrong with that. But there are ways to deal with it. Helpful ways that don't include, say... selling your flatmates. I was homeless for a few months myself, so I know the tricks of the trade. And you know what? I'm happy to share.

Rule 1: Never spend money unless you have to. You're at a bar? Find someone else who'll buy you a drink. Why should you have to pay when you don't have any cash? Your friend's already smoking? Get them to hand it over. It's supposed to be a social habit. Shoplifting's fairly easy, but you have to keep your eyes open if you don't want to get caught. It's best to avoid it if you can.

[Nathan turns to pat the vending machine he's standing next to.] You want food? This is your best bet. Yes, okay, this is a drinks machine, but it's the same principle. And honestly, if you have to put in money, you want to save it for the food machine. Things like Polos'll sometimes drop multiples.

Now... [He pauses, adopting a look of concentration as he strokes the machine.] The thing you have to remember is a vending machine is a lot like a woman. You hit the right spot... [Here he abruptly draws back, falling back on the vending machine with a full on body slam.] ...she'll give you anything you ask for.

C'mon, baby. [The next ten minutes or so are filled with Nathan attacking the vending with various puches, kicks, slams and overly sexual noises. Finally, there's a clatter and Nathan bends to retrieve the fallen can. He holds it up to the camera, triumphant, panting and grinning broadly.]

And that, ladies and gents, is how you rob a vending machine. You want anymore than that, I'm charging. Hope you can still afford it.

Hey. Guy who wanted to shoot me. You want the money I'd have had to spend on that?

Comments

[designedtoparty]

Clearly you've never been homeless. Breaking it would stop me stealing from it again.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Forgive my lack of experience in homelessness.

[designedtoparty]

You're young. There's time yet.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

I suppose I'm not as mature as you yet, am I?

[designedtoparty]

Well, mostly I was referring to the fact your mum clearly hasn't seen fit to throw you out yet. But that works, too.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Oh, I wouldn't have to worry about that. I suppose I'll never be homeless then.

[designedtoparty]

Your dad, then. Whatever.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

My father has already thrown out the unfavourable child. I suppose I am really am completely secure.

[designedtoparty]

Hey, I'm an only child. At least on my mum's side. So don't count your chickens before they get thrown out.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Yes, I see why your parents didn't wish for another child after having you.

[designedtoparty]

Seriously? I'm a way better child than you. I'm amazed your parents didn't throw you out in the street, like they do to those kids in China.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

If you really believe you are better than me, I must wonder how deluded you are.

[designedtoparty]

Not at all. I haven't taken a single hallucinogenic today.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Well, now I'm really convinced of your worth.

[designedtoparty]

I know how to have a good time. Seems like that's more than you do.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

...So the only good value about yourself that you can name is that you can hold a party?

It's clear to see why you must resort to such silly tricks like stealing things from those machines in order to impress people. It's quite sad, really.

[designedtoparty]

Who says I'm trying to impress people? Maybe I'm just helping out my fellow man.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

I doubt you have done one charitable act in your life.

[designedtoparty]

I put a lot of work into my community. I pick up litter, scrub graffiti, observe the mentally ill as they try to draw their way out of insanity...

All sorts of things! And I don't get paid a penny. [Never mind he doesn't have much choice in the matter. He still does it.]

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Very well. If you are so generous, clean my house.

[designedtoparty]

Why would I clean your house? I don't even like you.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

I guess you are as weak willed as I thought. You can't even do one act of charity if it involves doing work.

[designedtoparty]

It isn't charity if you don't need it. You aren't talking me into cleaning your house.

[flamewarring.livejournal.com]

Well, I am only fourteen and I'm living on my own. I do so miss my father as well. Now will you clean it?

[designedtoparty]

Well, I would, but I'm afraid I may rob you. We delinquents have no self-control.