015 ∞ VIDEO

[designedtoparty]

[Here is Nathan, sporting a very expensive looking suit (stolen by someone who wasn't him, thank you very much) and looking extremely worked up about something.]

Hey! Hey, cop fellers. Since you're always so keen to get on my back over nothing, I thought you might like to deal with some real crime for a change. I know you were too wrapped up with other, no doubt more important stuff to bother the last time I got murdered, but maybe this time you could try doing your jobs for a change.

So I got stabbed, right? I don't know what I got stabbed with, mind. It might have been sword, or something. I'm kind of fuzzy here, so it's hard to say for sure.

Anyway, that bit's all fine. Not that I want people to kill me, but stabbing's fairly tame. Only this guy must've been completely insane. I woke up, and my clothes were just gone. He'd put me in this thing instead. [He tugs at the lapels of his suit jacket here, then continues with his rant.] And he had the indecency to dump a load of newspaper over my head and leaving me lying around outside.

I don't want to start throwing around accusations, or anything, but I reckon this guy must've violated me while I was out. He's probably out there right now, rubbing his dick all over my t-shirt and getting off on his memories of skull fucking me.

He left chewing gum in my pockets, for God's sake. If that isn't a sign of guilt, I don't know what is.

Comments

[1/2]

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Does it count as murder when you're not really dead?

[2/2]

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Would you like to file a report?

[designedtoparty]

That's what I just did.

Although now you mention, I'd like to add arson to that. And possibly stalking.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Arson?

We're going to need a bit more information.

[designedtoparty]

Just look at that video someone sent me! What else are you going to need?

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

I wasn't referring just to the arson.

[designedtoparty]

I already told you! Some nutjob with a sword decided it would be a lot of fun to stab me.

He said he wanted to eat me.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Actually, you said that you were "fuzzy" on whether it even was a sword.

[designedtoparty]

I said I was fuzzy on whether he used a sword. Not if he had one.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

So, a person with a sword stabbed you with something that might or might not have been a sword. We'll still need more details, such as time and scene of the crime, etc.

[designedtoparty]

Do I look like I can afford a watch?

[Given the quality of his current attire... actually, yes. But shush. That's not his fault.]

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Estimate.

[designedtoparty]

Late.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Could you be more specific?

[designedtoparty]

Serial killer late.

I don't know. It was probably after eleven.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Try establishing a time window. After eleven, before what time?

[designedtoparty]

One, maybe?

And, you know, it could've been before eleven. I really have no idea.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

[This is the professionally suppressed and imperceptible bastard son of a sigh and an eyeroll.] How about the scene of crime.

[designedtoparty]

I was going for a piss. I really needed the toilet.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

That's not quite what I was asking for.

[designedtoparty]

What, do you think I'm stupid? I know what you were asking for.

Now all you need to do is take urine samples from alleys until you find one that matches up to mine. I've made it very easy for you.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

Is this your idea of a joke?

[designedtoparty]

If I was joking, I think I'd have come up with something a little more original.

[heelsandlaw.livejournal.com]

And if you were serious, you would be a little more forthcoming with information.

[designedtoparty]

I am serious! I told you everything.