designedtoparty | 030 ∞ TEXT

Alisha had always loved sex. You only needed to speak to her for five minutes to work that one out. Or just make physical contact if you wanted to cut right down to the chase. How else would you explain the reason behind her ability to inflict uncontrollable urges onto anyone she went near?

But anyway, the point was she'd found herself wanting to shag Barry. He was practically a virgin and anyone with a pair of eyes could see why. He was short and pale with the sort of stare that followed any sane man into his nightmares. Yet one glance from him and Alisha found herself soaking her knickers, and just to be clear, we aren't talking urine here.

She'd always preferred failed athletes in the past, so she had no idea where this was coming from. Still, she thought he was kind of hot in a weird, creepy sort of way, so she guessed she must have a thing for obvious serial killers in the making too.

One day when Alisha couldn't take it any longer she pulled Barry off to one side and shoved her hand against his throat. Barry tensed, eyes psychotic as he wheezed out yet another of his deepest, darkest sex fantasies.

"I want to dissect your skull and fuck you in the brain," he snarled in a tone so monstrous Alisha was sure he must be serious. She'd hoped whatever freaky shit he came out with would put her off, but instead Alisha found herself incredibly turned on and fucked him there and then. Lucky for both of them, Barry resisted the urge to go through with his fetishes and after they even agreed to go out as long as Barry was restrained for all further sexual endeavours. Alisha liked what there was of her brains and Barry probably got off on that bondage shit anyway.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Easily. I got a D in English.

[ ... ]

You know d is for dickhead, right?

It's also for dynamic. And deeply atrractive.

Edited 2011-11-23 00:27 (UTC)

[ Unamused face and total deadpan: ] You're neither of those things.

I'm both.

In your dreams. Which will never come true.

How would you know? Last I checked, your ability didn't allow you to crush a man's entirely plausible dreams.

They're your dreams. Immediately cancels out the plausible.

I don't need a power to know you're dreams are completely fucked up.

Only the one where I'm having sex and it turns out to be my old PE teacher.

The rest of them are all pretty standard. Or at least enjoyable enough there's no way they count as fucked up.

They're yours. Instantly fucked.

[ ... lmao grin ] Did you fancy your PE teacher?

No! [Don't laugh. These dreams are really traumatic, okay?]

She was one of them really skinny ones who practically had a buzz cut and no tits. You know the wrinkly ones going through menopause who look sort of like a turkey? I think she might've been a lesbian.

Then why did you dream of shagging her, then? Maybe you fancied her on some level?

Or maybe she was a child molester and now I'm having flashbacks of the memories I repressed from it.

I don't know who's going to need the therapy more. You or me. [ :| ]

Seriously, have you not spoken to anyone about the shit you claim others do?

My mum got me to talk to the police about one of her boyfriends once.

I can't say that one turned out too well.

Why? Didn't you tell the truth?

Well, I was sort of making it up. [And nearly landed an innocent man in jail. Whoops.]

And you wonder why we don't believe a word you say.

Do you honestly think about shit before you say it?

Does it matter? I dropped the charges, and he stopped dicking around with my mum.

I think it all worked out nicely.

Edited 2011-11-24 12:04 (UTC)

So, you're saying you did it for your mum? [ Strangely nice ... ]

Not that she was very appreciative. [I wonder why...]

Well, did you tell her you were looking out for her? In your prickish way of yours.

Of course I did. She wouldn't listen.

How did you tell her?

I told her he was a prick.

Edited 2011-11-24 13:57 (UTC)

awkwards - 2011-11-28 02:00 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-11-29 21:18 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-11-29 23:46 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-04 18:35 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-18 11:21 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-18 11:35 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-18 11:39 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-18 12:08 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-18 12:11 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-18 12:19 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-18 12:27 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-18 16:00 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-20 11:25 (UTC) - Expand

designedtoparty - 2011-12-21 00:33 (UTC) - Expand

awkwards - 2011-12-21 01:11 (UTC) - Expand

Well, so long as YOU enjoyed it!

lmao oh my god it made me laugh so hard. just as this tag did. ♥

Ffff, ilu &hearts;

/marries i am now officially mrs twat

Does this make me Mr Tart?

yes, i believe it does!

OTP ♥!

Mr Tart and Mrs Twat formally invite you to their tacky wedding ♥

I bet everyone will be screaming to be let through those doors.

and we can deny deny deny. only the pretty people in orange can come in!

And Barry. He can come, too.

... (unsure)

:( Only if you want him there, bb.

i only want you /cheesy

;-; Then no one else is invited.

;o; good, because the invites were going to be lost in the mail!

no subject

no subject

OH GOD, OF ALL THE WORDS TO LEAVE OUT, SELF.

DYING. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT. I'M FRAMING THAT AND PUTTING IT ON THE FRIDGE!

fsjk You are so cruel to me.

funny, here i was thinking you were so beautiful to me ...

How do you know the way to my heart so well?

i paved it with my sexy intentions

And you paved it well.